I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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