woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
