I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
