she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Found the puke drawer
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
