Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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