Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
