when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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