Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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