No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
