I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He had one of those small greek statue penises
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
