Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize