i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize