Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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