Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
