I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
