You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
