I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
