I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
