Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize