I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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