so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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