I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
