At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
