I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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