Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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