i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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