man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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