if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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