I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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