Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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