No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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