i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
