Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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