you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
