Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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