The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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