last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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