I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
