im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
