i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
