sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
