i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize