So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
