what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
