Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
