When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
