Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
