What did we do last night that was yellow?
there's paper in my vomit.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The power of my boobs compel you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
