My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
