I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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