I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
