Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
