I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Randomize
