Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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