I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This is classic penis vs brain.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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