Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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