I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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