shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
