i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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