they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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